Mystery In Space
by Caretaker13
Summary: Cain, the caretaker of The House of Mystery, and Elvira, Mistress of the Dark find themselves aboard The Satellite of Love along with Joel Robinson and his robot pals. Will they be trapped there forever and forced to watch B grade movies for the rest of their lives? Probably not, but go ahead and read anyway. *Special guest appearance by Space Cabbie!*
1. Chapter 1

**Mystery In Space**

In the far reaches of outer space, a small, yellow taxi cab adorned with fins and boasting a retro rocket booster engine cruised silently through the void. From a distance it looked like a goldfish swimming lazily through inky water, but inside the cab, it was very clear to its three passengers that they were travelling at light speeds.

Sitting at the steering wheel of the vehicle was a handsome, square-jawed man in his early to mid-thirties with brown eyes and hair, who was wearing a green windbreaker jacket over a crisp, white collared shirt and black bowtie. On his head was a green cap with a patent leather brim and the word TAXI written across the crown. All in all he looked like a 1950's milkman, complete with Norman Rockwell smile which he wore on his face as he piloted the cab through deep space as casually as one would drive on a freeway.

In the backseat of the cab, his two fares were far less happy, not being as used to space travel as he obviously was. One of them was a curvy, pale woman with long, dark hair in a sort of punk rock beehive hairdo. Her makeup was both extreme and seductive, and the long, black dress she barely fit into was cut in just such a way as to perfectly showcase her shapely legs and her ample cleavage. Sitting next to her was a man who was clearly much older than she was. He was thin and wiry with brown hair that stuck up into points making it look like he had horns. He had sharp features including a pointy, well-trimmed beard and a long pointy nose where his small, round glasses rested. He was wearing, what for him was, a tasteful outfit; gray slacks, a paisley, button down shirt, and brown suspenders. Both of them had a look of nausea on their faces from the dizzying speed.

"Gee, thanks for the swell evening, Cain. You still know how to show a girl a crummy time," said the woman, whose name was Elvira, as she held tightly to the handlebar on the ceiling of the cab.

"You know, you've done nothing but complain all evening. You're the most difficult person in the galaxy to please," the man called Cain shot back.

"No, I just have standards," said Elvira. "And that restaurant you took me to on Xenix 5 was about one step above a gas station bathroom."

"I'll have you know that on many planets and in many alternate dimensions Pamilian pig vomit is considered a delicacy," said Cain.

"I'm sure you're a connoisseur," said Elvira, rolling her eyes.

"And here I try to do something nice," Cain said, mostly to himself. "I try to bury the hatchet with you. I try to erase the bad blood between us and take you on this wonderful outing to the not-too-distant-future and this is the thanks I get."

"Well, next time just leave the hatchet and the blood where they are, okay?" quipped Elvira.

Just then, the cab suddenly bounced and shuttered as if it had hit a space pothole. It caused Cain to bang his head hard against the ceiling.

"I told you to wear your seatbelt," said Elvira.

Cain ignored her and leaned forward to talk to the driver.

"Hey, cabbie, what was that all about?" he demanded, rubbing his head.

"Space Cabbie," said the driver, raising his finger for emphasis. "And that was just a little turbulence."

"Turbulence?" growled Cain. "We're in space, man!"

"Just sit back and relax, bub. Ol' Space Cabbie will get you where you need to go, no problem."

Cain did sit back, but he didn't relax.

"This guy doesn't know what he's doing," he said to Elvira.

"Speaking of where we're going," she said. "where are we going now?"

"Somewhere you might actually enjoy," said Cain. "An alien burlesque show."

Elvira perked up slightly.

"That does actually sound like fun," she said excitedly.

Just then the cab swerved sharply and tilted to one side causing Elvira to be thrown into Cain's lap.

"Whoops, rogue meteor," said Space Cabbie with a chuckle, as he righted the craft.

"'Whoops', he says," howled Cain, as he and Elvira fumbled to untangle themselves from each other. "Is it too much to ask that you keep this heep flying straight, driver?" he yelled up to the front.

Space Cabbie turned around slowly and his face had lost its boyish charm. He was now deadly serious.

"Say whatever you want about me, buddy, but don't ever insult this taxi again," he said.

An evil smile spread across Cain's face.

"This taxi...," he said slowly. "Is one of the worst, most dilapidated pieces of space trash I've ever seen this side of the Milky Way. It's worse than Skylab!"

Space Cabbie slammed his foot down on the brake bringing the taxi to a screeching halt... somehow.

"Nobody, but nobody calls my cab 'Skylab'!" he shouted. "Geeet out!" He said, pointing his thumb towards the door.

"What do you mean 'get out'? We're in the middle of outer space," said Elvira.

Space Cabbie reached over to the passenger side floor and grabbed two round space helmets with oxygen tanks attached to them via hoses. He tossed them into the back seat.

"Take those and head to that satellite. Maybe they can help you out," he said, pointing again.

Cain and Elvira both looked out the window in the direction Space Cabbie indicated and saw what looked like a large dog bone floating about a mile away from the taxi.

"Now just a minute-," Elvira began to protest, but Cain, who had happily put on his space gear, grabbed her helmet and popped it on her head, then took her by the elbow.

"Come on," he said. "We don't need this clown."

He opened the door and the two of them floated out of the taxi, which promptly sped off with a futuristic_ boop boop boop_ sound, leaving Cain and Elvira to watch as it quickly disappeared from sight.

"Oh, this is just great," said Elvira, her voice echoing within her helmet. "Always making friends and influencing people, eh, Cain?"

"Nevermind that," said Cain. "Just start moving."

He began to kick his legs and flap his arms as if he was swimming and Elvira had no choice but to do the same. The two of them took off, slowly, in the direction of the bone shaped satellite, which, as it turned out, was much further away than it had first appeared. After about an hour of swimming through space Cain and Elvira finally reached an outside hatch.

"So what are we supposed to do now, knock?" asked Elvira. "How do we even know anyone is aboard this thing?"

Cain looked at her for a moment and she looked back. He realized she was right, but couldn't think of anything better, so after a moment of staring he did just what she said and knocked. To the surprise of both of them, the hatch opened. Cain and Elvira exchanged shrugs and then went inside into a small anti-chamber. The hatch closed behind them and they could feel the room they were now in depressurize. Then a second hatch opened, covering the two of them in artificial light from the inside of the satellite. The two castaways looked at the door, not knowing what to expect next, and saw a middle aged man with thin brown hair standing there framed in the hexagonal doorway. He was wearing a red jumpsuit with the word Gizmonics on one of the pockets and he had a sleepy expression on his face.

"Hey, folks, welcome to the Satellite of Love," he said.


	2. Chapter 2

Cain and Elvira followed the gentleman in the red jumpsuit, who had introduced himself to them as Joel Robinson of Earth, down a narrow hallway within the Satellite of Love after leaving their helmets behind in the ant-chamber. As they walked they both looked around themselves in confusion and curiosity at the walls of the ship. It seemed that even though they were all painted the same boring matte gray color, the texture of them looked as if someone had glued a bunch of common objects like bowling pins, toilet seats, and lava lamps to them, which had then just been painted over.

"What exactly is this place?" asked Elvira.

"Oh, this is a hallway," said Joel in a slow, drowsy voice. "But um taken ya to the main control room up thisaway."

He pointed ahead of them to a hexagonal door at the end of the hall, as if there was anywhere else they could be going. The only other door was the one behind them that they had just come from.

Cain leaned over to Elvira and cupped his hand over his mouth to whisper to her.

"I think this guy is stoned," he said.

"You'd know all about stoneing," she whispered back. Then, raising her voice, she said to Joel, "Uh, heh heh, no, sweetie, I mean, what is _this_ place? The Satellite of Love."

"This is where I live," said Joel. "Actually I'm sort of a prisoner here, but it's not so bad."

Cain and Elvira exchanged confused looks as the three of them approached the door.

"Come on in and meet my pals," said Joel, turning the door's large, vault-like handle and pulling it open with a _woosh_.

Cain and Elvira went with their host through the door and into a small, spherical room with a large desk in the middle of it and a hexagonal window in the wall. Standing behind the desk were two robots: One was small, red, and looked like a gumball machine. The other was lanky and gold and resembled some kind of metal bird/mantis hybrid.

"I'd like you to meet Crow," said Joel, gesturing to the gold one, "And Tom Servo," he gesturing to the red one.

Elvira shrugged and decided to just go with the flow. She walked over to the bots with her hand outstretched.

"I'm Elvira, Mistress of the Dark," she said.

Crow took her pale hand in his metal claw and pecked at it with his beak-like mouth.

"Au chante," he said in a nasally voice.

"And I am Cain," said Cain, folding his arms.

"So what brings you two to our humble little hideaway?" asked Tom. To spite his size, his voice was very deep.

"We were marooned." Cain said.

"Same here," said Joel. "My evil overlord wannabe bosses stuck me up here in order to conduct experiments on me."

"What, like, testing cosmetics and experimental drugs?" asked Elvira.

"No, they make me watch B-movies to see which one they can use to take over the world," said Joel.

"Oh, wow," said Elvira with excitement. "I love crummy movies! Have you ever seen It Conquered The World?"

"Yes," said Joel, Crow, and Tom in unison.

"What about Eegah?" asked Elvira.

"Yes," they all answered.

"But so far none has broken us," Crow said proudly.

"Yeah, ya see, that's why I built these guys," said Joel, indicating the bots. "To watch the movies with me and help me keep my sanity."

"I hate to interupt this meeting of the creature feature club," Cain interjected, "but did I hear you right when you said that you are unable to get off this ship?"

"So far, yeah," said Joel. "But we keep trying don't we guys?"

The robots made affirmative grumbly noises.

"Great! Just great," said Cain.

"Oh chill out, Cain," said Elvira. "I swear, if you were wound up any tighter you could be King Tut's grandma."

*Rimshot*

"What the hell was that?" asked Cain, looking around for the source of the sudden percussive sound.

"Oh, it's my new invention," said Joel. He went behind the desk and pulled out a large drum-like contraption with a bunch of bells and whistles all over it. "I call it the Portable Punchline. You see, you just set it anywhere in the vicinity of where you think something funny will be happening and it provides audio accompaniment. Give it a go."

"Uh, how much does a pirate pay for corn?" asked Tom.

Silence.

"A buccaneer," he said, followed by a guffaw.

No one laughed except Tom, and the machine stayed silent.

"Now see, that wasn't funny," said Joel. "And the machine knows it."

"Okay, okay, how about this," said Elvira. "What do you call two nuns and a blonde?"

"What?" asked Joel.

"Two tight ends and a wide receiver," said Elvira.

The machine made a slide whistle sound followed by a _boing_.

"Neato," said Elvira.

"Uh, hello? We're stranded here," said Cain, but before he could continue complaining a large button on the surface of the desk began to flash.

"The Mads are calling," said Crow.

Joel reached over and slapped the button and immediately two men appeared on a previously unnoticed screen.

"What is that?" asked Cain, referring to the device with the screen on it which sort of looked like a camera on a tripod with wheels.

"Oh, that's just Cambot," Joel said. "He let's us communicate with them." He pointed to the two men on the small screen.

One was skinny and had wild brown hair and a mustache, both of which had a white streak in them, and he wore a pair of bright green glasses as well as a bright green lab coat. The other man was short and fat and wore all black. He had white hair which was in a pompadour hairdo except one curly lock that hung down over his forehead.

"Hey, Joel, who's your friend?" asked the fat man, referring, presumably, to Elvira.

"Who cares, Frank," said the other man. "We didn't call to exchange pleasantries. In fact, Joel, we don't even have time to do an invention exchange this week."

Joel and the robots groaned sadly.

"Yes, yes, your disappointment gives me power," cackled the bespectacled madman. "Anyway, me and Frank have recently taken up square dancing and are just on our way out to the Pumpkin Pride Hoedown Hootenanny. But don't worry, we have just enough time to send you your movie."

"Clay, have you seen my big belt buckle?" asked Frank.

"Shut up, Frank, and send them the movie."

"These two seem very familiar," Cain said to himself.

With a frown on his face, Frank began to walk to the back of the dark, clearly underground, laboratory that the two of them were in while the man called Clay continued to address the camera.

"Your movie this week, Joel, is a particularly smelly piece of cinematic trash by the legendarily bad director, Jordan Mayer. It's called Mystery House and I hope you hate it."

At the movie's title Cain and Elvira both looked at each other.

"The hell?" they said at the same time.

Meanwhile, in the lab, Frank pulled a large lever and a loud alarm suddenly sounded in the control room of the Satellite of Love. Before Cain or Elvira could process what was happening, the room began to shake and a flashing light came on.

"WE'VE GOT MOVIE SIGN!" yelled Joel and the bots, as they flailed around the room. A large hexagonal door suddenly opened behind them.

"Now wait just a minute," yelled Cain. "We need some help here. You can't just go off and watch a movie and leave us." He looked back at the screen, which had gone black. "Get those nice gentlemen back on the screen. Let me talk to them."

"No time," shouted Joel over the sound of the siren. "Come join us if you want."

"Don't mind if I do," said Elvira, following Joel and his robot pals through the door and into a long hallway.

Cain tried to grab her, but she was too fast and before he knew it the door closed suddenly, separating him from her and the hallway leading to the ship's theater. He was left standing there in the control room all alone as the light stopped flashing and the siren stopped wailing.

"Oh, this is just great," he said to himself. "Now I'm stuck here for two hours waiting for those idiots to come back. What am I supposed to do now?"

"You could help me," said a loud, falsetto voice out of nowhere, and Cain turned to see what could only be described as a large, black, robotic snake with a cubicle shaped, purple head consisting mostly of mouth and one big luminous eye.

"I maintain the ship while the boys watch the movie," the robot said. "My name is Gypsy."


	3. Chapter 3

Cain eyed the serpentine machine for a moment and then a thought occurred to him.

"You maintain the ship, eh?" he said. "Then maybe you can help me escape from this place."

"Doubtful," said Gypsy. "Joel has tried many times with no success."

"Ah, but I'm not Joel, am I?" said Cain, with a wicked grin. "My name is Cain, a friend of Joel's, and I have a plan."

"It's my job to make sure this satellite runs smoothly and I won't have anyone toying around with-" Gypsy protested, but Cain cut her off.

"Madame, please. You cut me to the quick. I do not toy with anything. Why, I'll have you know that I am highly proficient with mechanical doohickeys. With the right parts and adjustments I think I can have us all rescued in a matter of minutes. Wouldn't you like that? Being rescued? Wouldn't Joel be happy with you if you helped me get you all back to Earth?"

"Weeelll, I suppose it never hurts to try," said Gypsy. "Fine, I'll assist you however I can, but watch your step, mister. No funny business."

"Cross my heart," said Cain, making the appropriate gesture.

"What exactly do you need my help with?" asked Gypsy.

"Well, the first thing I need is to know if there is any other way of communicating with those scientists," said Cain.

"They're not in right now," said Gypsy.

"I know that," said Cain. "I just need a way to transmit a message. Any way at all."

"Well there's the Hexfield," she said, indicating with her head the hexagonal hole in the wall that had at first appeared to be a window. "It only receives incoming messages, though."

"Hmm, For now," said Cain, looking at the device. "I don't suppose there's anything on this ship that would pass for a solar amplifier verberator is there?" he asked Gypsy.

"Say what?" she answered.

"Like something that could beam out a signal," said Cain.

"There's a satellite dish on the exterior hull of the ship that I don't think serves any functional purpose," said Gypsy.

"Okay, there ya go," said Cain. He had no real idea what he was talking about, but as a storyteller he knew that sometimes simply saying words out loud was enough to get the creative juices flowing in order to achieve great things.

"Sooo, what, you want me to try to rewire it so that it'll send outgoing transmissions and then patch it to the Hexfield?" asked Gypsy.

"Yes! Good! Exactly," said Cain. "You catch on quick, Jenny."

"It's Gypsy," said Gypsy. "And without coordinates to send a message to, it won't matter how the dish is wired. Do you know who or where you're calling?"

"Yes, I do," said Cain. He reached into his pants pocket and pulled out a slip of paper.

"Me and my, uh, assistant were on our way to a space club before we ended up here. I wrote the coordinates of it down in order to give to our driver, but then things... well, anyway, if I can contact this place I can have them send a space taxi 'round here to get all of us."

"Hmm, I guess I'll give it a shot," said Gypsy. "Just let me head down to systems and see what I can do."

"Attagirl," said Cain. "It's so nice working with someone who's competent, efficient, and subordinate for once."

Gypsy slithered off out of the control room and Cain put his hands on his hips in self satisfaction. Then he looked around for a place to sit down and sadly realized there wasn't one. He frowned. Just then there was a _whoosh_ sound and he turned to see the door to the ships theater open and Joel, his robots, and Elvira stepped into the room.

"Short movie," said Cain.

"No, we're just taking a break," said Joel.

"Oh man, let me tell you, these guys are a hoot and a ham sandwich," said Elvira, slapping her thighs. "Especially this one." She pat Tom on the head.

"Stop, stop," Tom said in mock embarrassment. "Now go on."

"Okay, now before we go back in the theater, how would you like to do a quick sketch with us based on the movie we were watching?" Joel asked Elvira.

"Groovy," she said with excitement. "Oh, Cain, you could play Blaine, the cranky old caretaker from the movie." She touched her index finger to her lips in thought. "Hey, ya know, now that I think of it he did seem awfully familiar."

"No, no, no," said Cain, waving the idea away with his hand like it was a buzzing insect. "No sketches, skits, improv, grand guignol, or anything else. Listen to me all of you, I have a plan to get us off this stupid love rocket. I just sent that snake thing down to rewire a satellite dish and-"

"Oh, well I don't think Gypsy will have much luck with that," Crow chimed in. "Me and Tom brought that dish in yesterday to eat chips and onion dip out of."

Oh, you guys," said Joel, sleepily.

"Well it was a jumbo sized bag of chips. We needed a big bowl," said Tom.

Cain looked like he was about to punch someone.

"Ya know... it doesn't seem like you people take your situation here all that seriously," he said as calmly as he could.

"Well, when life hands you lemons...," began Joel.

"Make fun of them," finished Crow.

"Exactly. Anyway, we have to go back and watch some more of the movie now," said Joel. "You coming with, Elvira?"

"I guess-" she said, but Cain grabbed her arm.

"Oh, no you don't," he snarled. "You're going to stay with me and think of another plan to get out of here. Once that purple headed satellite snake gets back here we'll all put our heads together and work something out."

Elvira rolled her eyes at Cain, but then to the rest of the group she said, "Go on without me guys. I'm gonna sit this one out."

"Suit yourself," said Joel, and he and the bots headed back through the door and down the hall to the theater. After the door had closed again, Elvira, who had pulled herself up onto the desk and was laying seductively across it filing her nails, looked at Cain who was staring through the Hexfield into space.

"So now what?" she asked.

"I'm thinking," he said.

"Don't hurt yourself," she shot back.

*rimshot*

Cain gave a quick and nasty glance over to the Portable Punchline which sat on the ground next to the desk. He had forgotten all about that dumb thing.

"You know, I already took a shot at getting us out of this," he said to Elvira. "Maybe you should try coming up with something this time. Or would you rather spend the rest of your days lounging around here with Kook Starsmoker and his plastic pals? Watching terrible movies all day and taking nothing seriously."

"To be honest that doesn't sound that much different to what I'd be doing back home," said Elvira. "You know the difference between you and me Cain?" she asked.

Cain looked at her large breasts.

"You just have to complain, complain, complain no matter what. You're never happy. I, on the other hand, can adapt and have fun wherever I go. I can always find a way to make myself happy."

"That I believe," said Cain. "After you moved out of the House of Mystery I found all kinds of amusements in my nightstand drawer.

*rimshot*

"Ha!" yelled Cain.

Elvira rolled her eyes.

Before either of them could say anything else they suddenly heard a beeping sound.

"What's that?" asked Elvira.

"I think it's a subspace frequency indicator," said Cain.

"Oh, please, you wouldn't know subspace frequencies from a hole in Uranus," said Elvira.

*rimshot*

Cain kicked the Portable Punchline as hard as he could. It began to spark and smoke and then made a pathetic dying sound and was silent and still.

"Whadju do that for?" asked Elvira.

"Because I'm trying to hear," snapped Cain. "Where's that sound coming from?"

The beeping continued, increasing in volume as Cain and Elvira looked around the control room. The buttons on the desk weren't flashing, but Elvira decided to try one anyway. She reached over and slapped a big blue one.

"Maybe this'll do something," she said, and she was right.

A handsome man's face appeared on the Hexfield's glass making it look like a big television. He had a square jaw and wore a green cap that said TAXI on it.

"Space Cabbie?" said Elvira in surprise.

"Hey folks, sorry I flew of the handle back there. I've been kicking myself about it ever since. How's about I come back and pick you up?" said Space Cabbie.

"You better-" began Cain, but Elvira slapped her hand over his mouth.

"Oh, that would be wonderful," she said.

Space Cabbie smiled.

"I'll be there in five," he said, and then the screen went transparent again.

"Welp, there you go, we're rescued," Elvira said to Cain. "You just keep your mouth shut when he gets here, okay, and then for the entire trip after that."

"Fine," grumbled Cain. "Let's just head to the hatch we came in at and wait for that space hack. Or would you prefer to stay and finish your movie and I'll come back and get you when The Dreaming freezes over?"

"Ugh, forget it," said Elvira. "That piece of schlock was going nowhere, but don't you think we should go tell Joel and the gang so they can come with us?"

"You can do whatever you want, but I'm getting out of this Silent Running ripoff immediately, and if you aren't in that cab when it gets here, I'll leave without you."

Elvira looked towards the door to the theater and thought for a moment.

"Well, they do seem pretty content with their lot here. Let's just go," she said with a shrug.

The two of them headed back to the anti-chamber where they collected and put on their space helmets they had left there earlier and then opened the outside door just as Space Cabbie's taxi pulled up. They climbed inside the yellow vehicle and without so much as a look back from either of them at the bone shaped satellite they had spent the last hour on, the two horror hosts were whisked away again, back into the blackness of space.

**The End?**

yes


End file.
